let this go.

hi.

again, i havent updated in a good (almost) month. i cant believe its december already. the coldness is starting and at night i find myself shivering bc my mom doesnt like to put the heat on so i sleep with socks and a sweater on. lol.

so since the last time i wrote on this thing pretty much things have been more or less the same.

first off, yes. still the drama going on. i still dont have the energy to do anything about it. im so up in the air about it. its so much easier to just think and say just get over it. its petty. its in the past and its done, etc. but its not petty and just as the saying goes, 'easier said than done.' whatevs.

rj and i took a small mini vacay in vegas a couple wks ago. it was nice to get away. it want the typical vegas trip where its a constant party. it was just nice. we ate, walked around, saw a show, and shopped. i played a little bit of blackjack, but i didnt have any beginners luck. rj ended up sneaking off sunday morning before we left to play. lol. so our little holiday was good. =] note: the trip was free bc of a timeshare promotion that we go involved in. we ended up (not planning to) purchasing it, but as soon as we got back to la, we ended up canceling it bc we realized it wasnt a smart idea for us to pay for something that costs so much (its like a credit card or a loan) when we should be focusing on our bills and saving up for the future =] so no more timeshare.

thanksgiving was nice. spent it with rj and his family. i realized this yr that my family doesnt celebrate thanksgiving. i mean, we have in the past. but for some time now, we just havent.

rj took me to see 'twilight' for the second time on sunday night (unexpected and his idea) and i have to say, i loved it all over again. i literally came out of the theater with a big smile on my face. it totally made my day. =] (yes, im a dork). this whole twilight thing has gotten to everyone i know. family and friends. i even turned one of my coworkers onto it and i also read the book twice (after i read all four books, i went back to the first one before the movie came out). i cant wait till xmas sam! ;)

i started xmas shopping in the beginning of november and now i have only five ppl left to shop for. i love xmas. i have to say though that i have been getting great deals on my presents. im so proud of myself! =]

alright, so ill end it here because its getting late and i have work in the morning.
till the next update. gnite.

i voted for the first time on tuesday. for some reason, i was nervous, but i was in and out of there in five minutes. i've never been a political person, but i felt it was time for me to do something, even it was a very small part.

i am happy with the outcome and now as a nation, we are all just going to have to wait for the change he promised us.

*note: that is as political as ill get. =P

---

i worked 16hrs last night with dori. i swear, by 10pm i was done. i was beyond tired and i knocked out as soon as i got home. theres 12hrs overtime for me this week! so im off for the next three days! (unless, i feel up for working on sunday..more overtime!)



considering with what has been going on with my family life right now, ive decided that im going to extract myself out of that situation. so much has already been said and done..and i feel like i am just repeating myself. there are just some ppl who dont want to listen and are too stubborn for their own good.

so for now..im done.

i cant believe how big all of this has gotten. im at a point where i will take myself out of this situation because at this point, i feel like there is nothing else i can do or say. its exhausting and its frustrating. im done.

-----------

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

i dont understand why people cannot own up to their actions. that is something that irks the fuck out of me. there are many faults on my part that i am fully aware of and can 'fess up to when im wrong. admittingly, i can be the biggest bitch. im harsh. i can have an attitude. im envious. im selfish. im stubborn. when im wrong or have crossed a line..i admit it; i own up to it.

the last couple of wks, i've been having a string of emotions/feelings/thoughts. one of the biggest parts of my life is having a breakdown. i think its been this way for a while and im sure everyone of them knows it.

ive been MIA with them for quite some time; in fact, i think ive been MIA with just about everyone in my life..except for the ppl i consistently see (ie, my mom, rj and ppl at work). i think ive gotten to a turning point in my life..and for some reason, it took me quite some time to get to this very moment..where im just letting things BE. finally. (as i recall, i wrote a post abt this very issue..abt wanting to be more like rj and his go-with-the-flow-i-dont-give-a-shit attitude). its not like me to be this way, but i have to say that it has a kind of liberating feeling to it. its not to say that I DONT CARE (because i do), its just more about letting things take its course and me just doing what i need to do in my life.

however, just because i havent been around..it doesnt mean that i dont know or see whats going on/ been happening. this topic is complex. but with all the time that has passed, im starting to notice things that are bothering me and its come to the point where it needs to be addressed. theres only so much that other people can do for someone and then there comes the time to start doing something for YOURSELF..by yourself.

this all needs to be settled soon. all the cards laid out on the table.

months i've let gone by since i last posted on my blog.

i've gone a night or two where i start to write something and then all of a sudden i stop where i'm at. i figure that i'm too lazy to write about it or i feel the need to not share. but i guess i'm going to start again.

summer has left and here we are in fall...with fires a-blazin! yeah. at work today we were at a point where the whole hospital had to evacuate because we were pretty close to all the mayhem going on by the mountains. however, we ended up having to transfer four sick babies to other hospitals. all my coworkers and i started to complain about how our census pretty much went down after we did that. 2 of the 4 we transferred were my patients. i was non stop from 7am to 5pm! my feet and legs at this very second are aching like crazy! i got to leave about 45min early! only to be stuck in some traffic and taking a detour to get home. yeah, the fire is about 3 miles away from me in another hillside. sigh. thats what happens in cali..FIRES. thats our 'natural' disaster.

anyways, as i was saying. summer is over. and we are in the last months of the YEAR!
i spent a little mini vacation in hawaii--twice. one trip was with family. the second was with rj. it was our first big trip by ourselves. before we left, almost everyone we knew were under the impression that he and i were going to get engaged or elope for that matter! but no, we didnt. still bf&gf.

still working crazy overtime..esp the last two weeks. i exhausted myself out last week..i pretty much worked a straight week! reminder..i work 12 hours, so you can imagine how stressed and tired i was. and on top of that i am in the process of applying for a per diem job through a nursing agency so i can make an extra $500 or more on the side. right now, life for me is pretty much WORK. =/ but i try not to dwell on the fact that i am working all the time because i know that if i dont work, im just going to end up spending money, which right now, is not a good thing for me if i am trying to work on my tremendous debt. so more than anything else (give or take a few days off) i dont mind working. i'd rather work! (gosh that makes me sound like a workaholic!)

aside from work, i found a new obsession =]



11.21.08

thats when the movie comes out and i cant wait. i'm so obsessed that i'm reading 'twilight' AGAIN! =P

till next time. ill make the next post a little more contemplative because God knows how much I have on my mind right now.

so my master cleanse has been postponed until after my vegas trip. i figure that ill be eating and drinking crap that wknd and so starting it after that kinda makes sense to me so i can cleanse my system of all that. plus, its an excuse for me still eat food. ;)

our anniversary was good. pretty chill. went to church, had breakfast filipino style at max's chicken, got pampered, and chilled at our fave spot old town pasadena. thankss for a great june 1st babe! =]


kim and i went tp runyon canyon in hollywood this morning. it is pretty much a hilly canyon to walk or run. we did it for 45 minutes and i was sweating like a pig. it felt good though..just walking up and down that thing was really nice. the view was amazing. we are going to make it a weekly thing from now on. we've already recruited my sister and dori to come with us. so next walk is on monday morning!

this last monday, i found out that cathy has stage 3A breast cancer (there are 4 stages). basically, that means it is locally advanced. The tumor is larger than 5cm and the cancer has spread to her lypmh nodes (not a good thing). so what this means is that she is going to need chemotherapy for four to six months and radiation. the news made me pretty sad. i had a lot of things going through my head and about how this is going to affect a lot of people in her life, esp her kids. at this point, i just need to be as supportive as possible..and i hope i do a good job at it. i mean, i havent experienced this personally. i mean i know people who have been struck by this terrible disease, but i havent been there firsthand. and being so close to cathy, its so different. she wasnt at work for the past week and half and already i feel the void. i think all of us do (meaning my coworkers). kim, dori, and i are going to hang out with her tomorrow and keep her company. she is a strong woman and she is going to get through this.

so i got the book i ordered a few weeks ago about the master cleanser. I thought the post office had lost it, so i ended up looking it up online and printing info abt it. im amping myself up about this. i know its going to take a lot of self control..which is something i know i dont really have. BUT, i really want to do this. i need a fresh start..physically. i am really hoping that my body can take it though. i was reading about the cleanse and the author says that one should have at least THREE or MORE bowel movements a day! LOL. omg. thats why i am starting it the wknd im off. i have a feeling that the first couple of days are going to be hard on me and so i need to be in close proximity of a bathroom. haha. i know..too much information, but it IS a cleanse.

last night after i got off from work i ate dinner and then knocked out at 830pm and woke up at 810am this morning! yeah..almost 12hrs of sleep. it was the best. in addition to that i took like a 2hr nap today! yesss. i havent slept that much in so long and it felt so good. sometimes its nice to just stay home and just chill. however, tomorrow i have lots of errands to do. my mom and grandpa are off to florida tomorrow morning. she'll be gone for almost a wk. i hate when my mom leaves =[

three more days till our 8yr anniversary! weeee =]


ps, ashlee simpson is preggers!

its been four months since antonio's been gone.
ate mercy is still not back at work right now. While she says that she is going to go back, part of me cant help to think that she might get to the point where her heart's just not into it anymore. but i do pray for her. i pray that God gives her strength because that is what has always needed in her life..and right now, its what she most definitely needs.

my shopping has been craaazy lately. and i just need to stop! or maybe just ease up on it. its ridiculous. omg. its bad. =/

--

so after much thought and consideration, rj and i have decided to do the master cleanse aka the lemonade diet. i've been reading up on it and really amping myself up about it. While I know and I'm sure other people know, i love food and so this whole this going to be a test. And while I know it is not the healthiest way for me to lose weight (a primary reason why I am going to do it)..it's going to be a start. I hope after I do this, it will give me motivation to go on and be more healthy and excercise more. That way, I can be summer ready for hawaii! I am planning to start it on June 6th and I am planning to do it for the recommended 10 days. (at least 3 to 10 days is what is actually recommended, but i'd like to do the max.) So JUNE 6th HERE WE COME! =] wish me luck!

an overdue conversation. minimal tear shed. and a big weight lifted off my shoulders.

as much as i fought myself to forget about it and leave it alone..i couldnt. and i cant. im not one to give up on something i believe in that much. from now on, i need to be better in all aspects of my life: sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, and nurse.

after today, i got so hyped up about life and career. i was reminded about all of the ambitions and goals i had planned when i was in school that suddenly resurfaced in my mind. there are many things i am yet to experience and do..and at this point when so much has happened, it has made me open my eyes about a lot of things, especially with myself. i am so eager to do it all. aside from that, rj and i are continuing start our lives..together. this summer will be a trip to remember and enjoy =] (cant wait babe).

---

'whatever makes her happy.'-rj
..and i concur with you baby. and it's true. as much as you feel that what might happen will let other people think of you differently or that theres going to be trash talking, in the end what is going to matter is how you feel. dont let yourself come to the point where you feel like your trapped or stuck. if its something you feel you need, then do it. you never know what its going to be like until you actually do it. you'll learn a lot from it even more, you'll probably realize more things about yourself than you ever thought possible.

---

eight yrs anniversary is coming up soon. projects in the works.

---

Things (i want) to do in life:
1) PICC certification
2) Make up school
3) MSN degree
4) Hawaii Travel Nurse
5) Abroad Care (i.e. Doctors Without Borders)

i swear. i could totally do the hills or something. rather, i think my life could be some kind of reality show. my sisters and i always joke about how our lives can really be a reality show or something. we've got enough drama to get good ratings. lol.

anyways, this wknd ate mercy and i hosted a bbq. we ended up having TONS of food and it turns out our guests werent the fatasses we thought they were; thus, we were left with a bunch of food that ended up being brought to family and to my house the next day. overall, it was a good a bbq minus the fact that i had one too many jello-patron-vodka shots and i ended up getting under the covers by 10pm or even earlier. HAHAHAHA.

mother's day was good. i took my mom out to a thai spa for a massage and a facial. i ended up getting a massage and a body scrub. i never got a body scrub and i think it will be my last one. i swear, it wasnt such a pleasant experience. i was freezing my ass off cause i had to be butt naked for it! and it lasted for almost one hour! for some reason, i was soo tired on sunday. i swear i was sleeping the whole day. i even slept at rjs house when i was there for a family party. and i knocked out after having dinner with my bro and mom at 8pm! i think the whole relaxation from the massage really got to me and just made me super lazy.

i found out yesterday that my charge nurse at work has breast cancer. all my coworkers and i were shocked. in a situation like that, its so hard to find the right words to say. all i was able to do was give her a hug. luckily, it was found early and her doctors quickly made appts for her to get treatment. so one day at a time and we shall see. im praying for you cathy. =]

months gone by and i sent you something to read and ponder about. and so im just waiting.

another month gone! and we are going into the fifth month of the year. gah. its going by too fast!
april was pretty exciting. from everything to gee's bday, mammoth, getting my first (and only) tattoo [wild, i know], happy hours, march for babies, and more 1297 time..













---
as the days are going by, i keep replaying a conversation in my head about what i should say to make things okay. i know this is something i shouldnt be holding onto because i am trying really hard to leave things like that out of my life. i know i should just let go..but it really is easier said than done.

---
im in the process of applying for a per diem job [you get more money bc you dont get benefits]. i need money. even though i've paid off a bulk of my credit cards, i feel like im still living off from paycheck to paycheck. i want to save money, but for some reason it's not working out. i also need to save money for upcoming trips im taking this year, but the leftover money i have after i pay for credit cards and loans and my car..isnt so great. and it sucks. i should pick up extra days at work as well, but im being dumb because i dont want to work with the other team. so starting next month, im going to pick up extra days. i have to and need to. =/

---
may festivities:
-BBQ
-mother's day

every other monday, my coworkers and i are trying to get together. so far it's been three times today that we've been able to do it. i hope we keep it up because it makes the camaraderie of our group better..and i like that. its not to say that im already close to them, but its nice to get together.

for example:


these two girls are thee best everr! i dont know what it is, but over the last few months we've really gotten thisclose. kim (in the middle) is like a older/younger sister all at the same time. we share the same interests (expensive ones at that), she's funny, easy to talk to, and she really has my back professionally & personally..and really thats something i appreciate immensely. dori(on the left) is more like a big sister to me more than anything, but shes such a kid at heart. she even has that sort of motherly thing too. right now im trying to grow as a person and she has such a big picture view of things and its so refreshing to see that, esp at this point in my life. these two are such a good balance for me and im very grateful that ive been able to find such wonderful women in my life. (thaaanks girls! i love you both!)=]

----

our 3rd annual snow trip was this past wknd at mammoth. we were supposed to go the first week of february, but circumstances happened in which we didnt. however, we all decided to continue on with the tradition and still go...and im really happy that we did.

frankly, it wasnt the same. saturday morning i had an aching feeling in my chest in which i really missed antonio and wished he was there. in fact, i think we all wished that he was there.no doubt.

however, it was still a memorable and fun wknd with the family as always. =]

i fucken love us. seriously. the best times of my life have indeed been with my family and i cannot say it enough how grateful i am to have these people in my life to share those good times with.

next year, utah? (we ran out of places to go to with snooow!) LOL!

i was finally able to print out pictures at costco. looking through all the pictures brought me joy and nostalgia. sigh. i dont think this feeling will ever go away. every picture and reminder of him gives me a feeling of some sort of emptiness.

--

ate mercy has a new puppy. she is a shih tzu named 'ZZ' its quite appropriate. one of antonio's nicknames is 'Z' so it is really cute. sam picked it out because ate's first choice was really bad. she wanted to name the poor dog 'antonella' LOL. i busted out laughing when she told me. so sam most defintely helped out in that situation. she stopped by at my house today and had ZZ with her. shes sooo cute. she was in my room walking around and she walked towards the sliding mirror i have and kept bumping into it because she obviously does not know that it is her reflection; it was too cute. but yeah, i had ate mercy stop by because i surprised her with a necklace i had made for her. i should have taken a picture, but the next time i see her i will. but its a silver necklace and there is a pendant that has her and antonio's picture etched on it, plus on the back i had it engraved with 'AZMB' (their initials). she loved it; i knew she would. and it makes me feel good that i am able to do something like that for her. =] kudos to me!

--

for the past three, almost four weeks, i've been partaking in a version of the biggest loser at my work with a bunch of coworkers. i believe there is 8 or 10 of us. anyways, there is a $50 pot in which whoever wins the most percentage of body fat wins! so far, i've been doing good. its not to say that i dont have cheat days. but just this past week i've been a little bad. anyways, i cut out bread and rice (sushi is an exception, although i had a bunch this past wknd and a little yesterday and today), red meat (mostly because of lent, but i've had a few bites since easter has passed), and sweets. i've put in a lot more fruits (mostly berries and bananas when i feel like it), salads, and fish. so far i've gotten some comments from my coworkers and my parents that i've lost a few. up until two days ago, i wasnt seeing any weight loss but when i weighed myself, i lost about 4 pounds. hmmm. its not much, but hopefully my body will respond to the changes i've made. i know it takes at least a month until you see results, so i was pretty excited about it. in addition to that, my jeans are slowly starting to fit me better and not as snug, but i do need to work on it cause im not quite at the point where i want to be. =/ so our biggest loser will end may 29th! i hope i win! if not, atleast this was MAJOR motivation for me to start doing something about my weight because i needed it so badly.

--

off again tomorrow.

blink 182: here's your letter.

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice, say goodnight
as the world falls apart

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

----
i vented in the last post.
i'm always venting.
if only you can see THIS.

----
so rj and i did talk about things. and im just so amazed at the kind of person he has become in the eight years. he has really come into his own person. it's not that he doesnt care, its that he does his own thing and i want to come to that point where im doing my own thing as well and not worrying about other people. but im not like that because the kind of person i am..i care. sometimes too much and when i care too much, i get hurt =/

yeah, i admit it, in a lot of ways i feel like im stuck in that whole teenage mentality of longing for carefree days and not having to worry about being a grown up. he told me some intense things the other day and i thought whoa..me and rj are on our way to that point in our lives when its going to be us. W O W. eight years in the making AND more. ;) its quite exciting.

----
yesterday was antonio's 2mths. sigh.
it is slowly starting to creep up on me that he is not here anymore. lastnight reaffirmed it even more. aside from ate being the most affected (out of my family), his death greatly affected my brother. he said it lastnight '..i already lost anthony.' my brother looked up to him in so many ways. growing up with just girls, it was good for my brother to have not only someone to look up to, but antonio was someone my brother was able to confide in about his dreams, hopes, fears. everything; things he couldnt tell us. they were THAT close. and to see my brother say that and cry..hurts in so many ways. just typing this out, i literally have a huge lump in my throat. i miss antonio.

----
truth be told, everything in my life seems to be in place. aside from our tragic loss. my siblings and i have never been closer. there are days that go by that i am constantly thinking of them and even times i feel bad for not being there at certain times. the whole family has gotten closer as well, especially the cousins. we have field trips planned in april and i cant wait. =] even though i had a little fallout with rj, ive come to the conclusion that its all about compromise, patience, and simply going with the flow in terms of how things are now (i.e. work). it will work out, babe. [iloveyou]. work is good; the people i work with are wonderful and i love them to pieces. its a good place to be because i've gotten so much love&support from them. we are THISCLOSE and to think they've only known me a little over a year and our relationship is beyond words. THEY KNOW. im thisclose to making my last effort, but i dont even know anymore if its worth it. its just not going to go through to her..just like the last few times. its going to be month two..

i've come to a lot of realizations these past few days.
one. im grown. an adult. and in some ways it sucks, but in a lot of ways it's great because it means im able to move forward with my life and truly grow up.

i came to thinking about this simply because i miss rj.

he and i have come so far in our relationship and in our lives..he and i are nurses. working adult nurses. and with that comes responsibility and sacrifice.

a few weeks ago rj's work schedule changed in that he works four days a week for 10 hours with weekends off. he gets every other wednesday and friday off meaning if he works wednesday, he is off on friday and vice versa. i was pretty excited about this because it meant that we would be able to see each other on the weekdays during the day instead of the usual nights and every other weekend im off. it meant we could re-live the days we were in college when we would gallavant anywhere and everywhere cause we had a few days off in the week off. it meant some quality time together. BUT, it didnt work that way at all. basically, our weeks will consist like this:
the wednesdays i work, rj is off. the wednesdays he works, im off. the fridays i work, rj is off. the fridays im off, rj works. when i found this out, i was so frustrated and annoyed.

i have been begging him to change his work schedule so it could accomodate us. his schedule has changed and now, its just...whatever. its going to continue to be the usual nights and the every other weekend im off that we can spend time together. all in all, it sucks. i know, i know. im probably sounding like a baby about all of this. but im not used to this.
and when all of this happens, i get all emotional about this, sometimes i wish i was back in college when i didnt have to be an adult. a working adult.but really, i dont think its about just this dumb work schedule of his and about it not working out with mine. it all comes down to the fact that i miss him.

we havent had a decent conversation in so long. nowadays, we mostly communicate with eachother via email. ofcourse, we talk on the phone. its the usual hi-how-are-you-hows-your-day-going type of conversation. by the time we get home, we're too tired to talk on the phone. or rather rj is.
theres a lot going on in our lives, i know that. like ive said before, work takes a lot of our time. and then theres my recent situation as well that my whole family has been dealing with. im continuing to juggle my time and travel from the valley and canyon country to be with my sister. even tonight i feel bad that im not with her, but shes at my brothers apartment right now. he invited me to come over cause hes having some sort of 'party' but i was honestly not up for it.

this whole week ive been staying at my house with my mom. i was able to organize and clean my room and actually do laundry. my room was a wreck and so on my day off i ended up mostly organizing and cleaning out my drawers and closet of clothes and shoes i didnt want anymore.
i was even frustrated with rj tonight, but ive since let it go before typing out this post. i havent seen him since tuesday night. he had a day off, but i on the other hand, was working. we had dinner with my sisters and brother. even though im working this weekend, i was expecting that he at least make the effort to come and see me on his own terms without me asking him to. instead he's out at some bar/lounge. i dont even know if he sees that i miss him and i need him so much, especially at this time in my life.

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im crying as im typing this out.
i dont know why people think that when someone is stressed out, sad, mad, or frustrated that they need to be alone. its not even like that because people need people. people need someone to talk to, to cry to, to vent to, to reassure them, to hug, to just be there. JUST BE THERE. yeah, give me my space..but ultimately, i need you to be there for me. in the end, im going to depend on you and turn to you because i need you. im going to expect you to be there for me because we're friends because all along i thought you and i were friends.
when unexpected occurences happen in your life, good and bad, you come to so many realizations. im slowly letting go of people in my life, it just doesnt make sense to me to have someone in my life that makes me feel utterly and completely worthless as a friend and as a person. i've held this friendship up so high in my life for so long..i really have. i dont even know why.


blah.

Best
1. Male friend: rj
2. Female friend: sam
3. Vacation: kauai, hawaii & euro '06

Worst
1. Time of day: 540am to wake up for work
2. Day of the Week: monday
3. Food: ginger
4. Memory: jan 25th '08

Last
1. Person you saw: mom
2. Talked to on the phone: rj
3. Text: mom
4. Time you visited Chuck Norris on GoofyAuctions. com: never.
5. Message over MySpace: a month ago?

Today
1. What are you doing now: this thing.
2. What are you wearing : pink sweat pants & rjs shirt
3. Better than yesterday?: ehh. yesterday I spent the day with my sisters & rj

Tomorrow
1. Is: tuesday
2. Got any plans? woork
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: waking up early.

Favorite
1. Number: 1297
2. Song: at the moment: colby o’ donis ‘what you got’
3. Color: purple, red, green
4. Season: summer

Currently
1. Missing someone: rj. antonio.
2. Mood: tiired.
3. Wanting to tattoo or piercing: double loving heart.

True/false

I am a cuddler: true, but only with rj

I am a morning person: true

I am a perfectionist: somewhat true

I am an only child: false

I am currently suffering from a broken heart: true after losing my brother. =(

I am very shy around the opposite gender: false. no need to be shy..i got rj

I can be paranoid at times: true. at times.

I enjoy country music: somewhat true. some carrie underwood songs are cool

I enjoy talking on the phone: false. i hate it.

I have a crush: true. on rj.

I have a hard time paying attention at school: false. im no longer in school thanks.

I have a private piercing: false

I have at least one brother and/or sister: true

I have/had a broken bone: false. a sprained ankle

I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color: false

I have had major/minor surgery: false

I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months: true

I have had the cops called on me: true

i guess youre right sam. the way you look at things and explain things seem to always make sense to me.

..and there it goes.
goodbye.

this past wednesday (march 5th) was antonio's 40th day. there was a prayer conducted by someone from st. charles. his friends, my family, and his family came.



i cannot believe its already been 40 days since he's passed away.
sigh.

results of his autopsy came a week or so ago.
cause: hypertrophic dilated cardiomyopathy. basically, his heart was too big. with that, his heart just couldnt pump enough blood to his body&lungs. he had a big heart. double entendre. its a relief to know that the coroner's office was able to find a specific cause of what happened. its stopped our questioning. however, now that we know there a lot of thoughts of 'if only.'

antonio is in heaven now. watching over us.
now, if only this drama that is continuing to unfold will come to an end soon.

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today is my nephew shia's welcome home party. he was born on february 15th.



cute huh? i ended up baking him cupcakes and brownies. =] i hope you like them baby.

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lastnight, monica had a get together at yankee doodle in santa monica since she is leaving for the peace corps in albania next week. =[



i'll miss you!

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its still going on. i hope you come to a realization sooner rather than later. cause im tired.

i wrote this post for february 25th. one month after antonio passed away.

'God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference'

Its been four weeks today when we lost a member of our family. Its been four weeks filled with tumoltuous sadness, grief, and disappointment. However, its not to say there weren't times of reminisince of how much of an impact Anthony had on us all whether it be from him making us laugh or giving us words of advice. All in all he's been missed.

There are no words to describe how hurt my sister is or what kind of grief she is going through. Four weeks I've been by her side trying my best to get her through the moments she has when she's talking to him but only to find he's not there to talk back, when she is staring at the picture poster she and I so intricately put together for his viewing every night, when she sleeps downstairs bc she cannot bear to sleep in the bed her and antonio shared every night because he is no longer there in his spot, or when I catch her looking at that diamond ring on her left hand that he gave her 3 mths ago that signified a future of forever. It breaks my heart. And sometimes I feel like I'm not doing my best; that I'm not saying the right words or doing the right thing. But I hope I am.

In addition, there is so much drama. It's neverending and it doesnt help anyone, especially my sister move on. In these weeks not only did I, but my whole family, realized who our true friends are, who truly matters. Through all of this, its really come down to one thing and its that family is and always will be important. Number one. My priority at this moment is my family. Through it I'm going to find out what and WHO is important to me.

With that, I've bared my heart and soul out to you. But its really all the same? Still? Sayang. i dont even know what to think of it as this point. All i do know is that there is really nothing left for me to say or do because I've done everything I could and I've said everything that i needed to say. I dont NEED to say anything else. So, what now? You tell me.